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21 isn't really 21.

Oct. 24th, 2013 | 10:00 am

The documentation with my last post.
I apologize for.
Even if I don't really have a real audience.
It's just a place for me to store things I'd like to remember.

I forgot to mention however,
what 21 has been for me.
I forget almost, that I have had a birthday. On May 18th.
Because my son was born just 9 days before mine.

You'd think I missed out on a celebration,
You'd think I'd be envious of those who have.
Who can and who will.
But I don't.

21 feels like gaining knowledge I started to embark on at 20.
It feels like the skin I've belonged in all along.
The clear minded, type of things.
Or maybe that's just me being a mother.

It probably is.
Even still,
My future is bright.
My youth is beaming,
and it's never felt so good to be this sure.
I've finally allowed myself to love,
someone I've been meaning to love.
To wrap my arms around,
and to accept completely,
and that person is

With that,
I'll raise my glass,
to so far so good.

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I live to let you shine.

Oct. 24th, 2013 | 09:49 am

I found myself trying to figure out the username to this journal for many months now.
In all my attempts I forgot the _ to my username and at last I have be allowed access.
Somewhat a bummer.
But my constant posts are rare too.
So I suppose I will have to just accept that.

My son, I talked about below is now 5 months old.
Nearing 6 months on November 9th.
This journey I am currently on is a beautiful one.
I can't even begin to describe how incredible this whole experience has become for me.
I know as a woman and all the things we go through are more than worth it now that I've had a child.

He came into this world at 6:17 pm. After 13 hours of labor it took just 15 minutes of focus to push him out.
I closed my eyes, and the sound of Beach Baby by Bon Iver was playing on the radio, I felt Maddox drop further down,
I felt his body exit. My doctor allowed me to grab Maddox and pull him out. Such an amazing feeling.
Daniel counting down from ten in my ear. It was him and I in this room and no one else. Literally and figuratively.
The one moment that I won't ever forget,
is as soon as Maddox was laying on my chest,
his head turned toward me,
his eyes wide open,
I literally saw life come to him.
I saw his eyes fill with existence. The glimmer, I will never forget.
Instantly tears came down my face,
Instantly my heart swooned over my little baby.
His cry rang out.
his first breath exhaled
and so did mine.
I remember his father telling me in my ear that I was the strongest woman he had ever met.
The most spiritual moment a woman could ask for.
I couldn't take my eyes off of him.
Hearing him cry.
Seeing his gorgeous little face.
Looking like his Father.
We were no longer two,
we were finally three.
And it feels now, as if I've known Maddox my whole life.

He reminds me to value the little things more than before.
He reminds me to wake up feeling happy.
He reminds me what love really feels like.
His father and him have that in common.

Now, Maddox is growing into more of a person.
Gaining his personality.
He has such a sense of humor.
He will wail until I look at him and just start laughing,
He loves to dance with his momma.
He loves looking into the mirror,
He has finally realized it's just a reflection.
He giggles so much.
I'd say he is quite the observer. Content at people watching.
Loves the outdoors.
Loves being in public even more.
Only gets startled by sudden loud noises,
like when his family raise their voices.
He even cried when we sang his uncle Happy Birthday.
Quite funny really.
Loves playing with his Daddy.
especially thinks it's funny to have his cheeks pinched,
and to fly in the air.
and to be surprised with games like peek-a-boo.
He ate sweet potatoes for the first time like he had eaten them before.
Which is funny to me, when he was in my belly sweet potatoes were one of my many cravings.
Holds his bottle now starting Monday.
Rolled over on the first attempt after I showed him how just once at 3 months old.
He is a fast learner.
A very determined baby.
He loves grabbing absolutely everything he can get his hands on.
Most content going on walks with me. Or listening to my music with the sun shining through the windows.

Sometimes I feel bad for not documenting more of these things when he was a little younger,
but I put credit to the fact that I am wrapped up in each moment with him that sometimes,
it's not the most ideal.

Anyway, in the last month he has really grown into his skin.
So I suppose now is one of the best times to write down just the way he is.
He's really a dream.
I suppose you're supposed to say that about your child,
but Maddox has always been such a good child.
The only struggle really has been getting a solid schedule.
And that's my own struggle.
He slept through the night since one month and two weeks.
Most babies are still struggling with that.
He seems very wise to me.
He tells me in his own way what his needs are.
I almost admire that.

He is very well behaved in public.
The first two months of his life,
were only difficult because adjusting is a hard task for both of us.
Which is common.
Being responsible for a fragile life is definitely an adjustment.
But now,
now we have everything adjusted and this life, I never imaged for myself.
and I would never take it back.
Not for more time.
Not for my youth.
Not for anything.

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The ice is getting thinner.

Mar. 27th, 2013 | 07:54 pm

I am getting closer to the birth of my child.
I never wanted something so much, especially with the end nearing.
Or really the beginning.

I reflected back, as I often do, on the post I've posted previously.
Little cut outs of how I've felt over the years.
I want to say, there has been a bit of regret. A bit of, why didn't I think of that sooner?
Why didn't I do this, or that.
I then remind myself, that had things been slightly changed,
then I wouldn't be where I am now. Something I constantly remind myself of.
Maybe a way to better deal with the ugly.
Throughout the reading I did, from last year and the year before that,
brief and admitting my deepest self,
through all of the desperate heartbreak and struggle of finding myself,
I realized one thing, I am a strong person.
Knowing that, through the chaos of being taken advantage of from every angle,
through the helplessness, the struggle,
that only I seemed to notice.
I was a warrior in my own skin.
I stood tall, when anyone who battled what I did would have fallen.
Would have given up.
I was destructive,
trying to destroy something beautiful,
trying to destroy my sense of self.
But I found myself,
waiting on the other side.
I can say, now, that the ugly has become a badge of honor really,
something I can admire when the years heal the wounds.
Although I struggle from time to time,
I realize I survived,
I am a survivor of the worst bile of teenage years that any writer could come up with.
But the story is true.
I healed myself,
I let myself go,
and I found myself.

Now with that,
I can teach my son the value of life.
I can guide him through the struggles of figuring out who the hell you are,
even when you think you know, it takes a face shattering fall to the bottom to really be able to work yourself up.
To figure it out, to accept it and keep on going.
The universe is absolutely stunning in the way that it works.
The way consciousness caresses the very being of you.
I am so thrilled to be a mother.
Even through the ups and the downs that my hormones seems to bring me,
I know that at the end of every day,
that this is all so worth it.
To show the beauty my son has brought to this world,
and to show him the beauty the world has brought to my son.

I should also say,
I am nearing 21 years old. In just a month and some weeks.
I feel, wiser.
I feel as though I am taking on things from the mundane life I never imagined living,
but through all of that, I haven't let go of the transcendentalist inside of me.
I am responsible in my movements,
but I have not lost artist, the writer, the optimist, the wanderer.
I must take a break, to focus on the well being of my baby.
But it is never lost,
only growing inside of me.

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Baby to be. Little side notes for the future.

Jan. 7th, 2013 | 06:58 pm

Every day,
I feel you kick. I squeal. The feeling of you budging me with your existence makes me feel so much joy.
The kind of deep rooted joy.
You are already so beautiful to me.
You're practically a stranger,
but I love you with every cell inside of me.
No matter what kind of day I am having,
the moment I feel you kick or move,
it is instantly a good day.
A wholesome feeling, growing inside me.
literally, even.
I can recall the love I felt, seeing you for the first time on the ultra sound,
Hearing your heart beat for the first time, with your father.
We just looked at each other,
our eyes swelling with tears.
I knew you were a boy, the day I found out I was pregnant.
Some instinct inside of me told me so.
And it is so, you are in fact my baby boy.
I anticipate your arrival.
So much.
I want to cuddle your soft fragile body.
But I know I must wait.
Your kicks and movements will have to do for now.
I'm at 22 weeks today.
And I feel better than I did before.
Knowing each day is closer to meeting you.
My handsome little boy.
You like to move around at night,
a little night owl, just like me.
You've put so much purpose into my life,
baby Maddox.
Thank you, for existing.

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Nov. 15th, 2012 | 01:59 am

"and at once, I knew, I was not magnificent."

This time last year, the song from which these lyrics came from practically fell from my lips,
and hid in between my eye lids.
If I could chose a song, for the most nostalgic time in my life,
it would be this one. I can remember the way I felt.
the moments I shared,
and the time, the exact moments in which I knew, I was not magnificent.
It sinks my heart, every time I hear it. But it's a beautiful reminder.

Time has changed. and I suppose every year it surprises me some what more an more.
Just how much things do alter. Even in ways you really hoped wouldn't.
And maybe in ways you're thankful for, or sorry for.
Either way, looking back always sinks in my skin.
Especially for the terribly tragedy this time last year had brought me.
I cannot even begin to express the feelings I have folded into each line and melody of this song.
And if you're curious as to which song, it's Holocene by Bon Iver.

I'm happy now, though.
For where my life has gone. In an up way.
And in just a week, I'm leaving this place completely behind.
And sometimes I cannot wait and sometimes I really feel I'll miss it.
In a way you do, when you're so used to a place, that you can't help but appreciate the familiarity.
It's almost times like these that I wish I could drink.
But you know, the reasons I can't is because I have a beautiful baby growing inside of me.
And I couldn't love something so possibly much as I do with this.
I fell in love, when I heard the heart beat for the first time.
And I guess you could say, it has put some more purpose onto my life and it's beautiful.
It's all the things you could imagine into creating a completely new existence.
Not only that, my love, Daniel. He is something I am thankful for just about every day.
To think of who I loved before him,
and the kind of person he has made me in just 6 months of love. Is incredible.
I wish I could express just how much I love him. And how well we work together,
I guess you could say that is why I'm so enthusiastic, or even more so to be having his child.
We didn't plan it, but we know it was made from absolute love.
And I think that is most important.

I may have to elaborate more.
This is only part one.
I sort of have a hole in my throat.
Or a knot.
Or maybe both.
Just remember that 20 has been much different.
Even the painful things,
that have ceased,
bring me to tears.

I'm still living.
And creating life.
I want to cradle it.


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Words I'd say to you.

Jun. 14th, 2012 | 03:16 am

Dirt under my finger nail.
That's all I can think when I think of you.
You're ridden with hidden half truths.

I know we loved each other once.
I wasn't insane with that.
I was insane with thinking I could change you,
not the you you,
but the real you.
The way you move,
more so the path you travel on.
But you stuck with your old life,
told the insiders I was a fake,
and that infuriated me.
Made me feel insane.
That's why I look so desperate looking back at the old messages.
But I wasn't,
I was passionate.
You wouldn't be able to understand what that means.
I just know it.

Now that I've been able to stand back completely,
I've realized a few things.
But the first one that comes to mind is that I am infuriated,
with the thought that I had a mind blowing discovery,
all the while,
I couldn't explain,
yet you recorded what I said,
as if this was something you had already figured out in your own head.
Then you post it down on paper.
or a social networking site.
And pretend that this discovery was yours.
I understand, being taught something, and teaching it to others.
But it's another thing to take someone's cherished ideals and turn it to yours.
I taught you what consciousness was. And you sat there in your wooden chair,
pretending to have already known.
It makes my last slither of hope,
not even hope,
but that piece of what I had left turn into dust.
Every deceiving look,
the words, that you try to spit across my face,
are just as empty as the look in your eyes.
You're not spiritual.
You envy those who are.
If you were,
your life would lead that example.
Agh, it frustrates me.
Really, it does.
That I loved such a foolish man.
That I took the time to defend such a foolish man.
That I can calculate the times when I believed what you said.
Half truths.
Slipping from your grasp,
is the image you're painting.
But at least I can now say,
that I understand why things went this way.
You had to be with people,
like them,
because YOU are just,
you are them.
Two sided,
hardly respectable.
You want to be put on a mantle,
but you deserve nothing less than the garage floor,
dust covered and forgotten.
That is all I see of your life.
I had to know you,
to discover this.
And where I am at now.
That is truly all I can thank you for.
I gave you all the credit,
too much credit, you're right.
When really,
the credit goes to me.
A true person.
Someone you'll look back upon one day.
And realize that you knew all along.
That me standing there,
and you just watching,
looking doing nothing.
You'll regret it,
I promised you that,
when I'm looking far ahead,
and not looking back.

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I meant to post this months ago.

Jun. 14th, 2012 | 02:58 am

I had to shift from you,
to someone brand new,
our time together,
was something I value,
but the lack of conversation made me stray,
right into the arms of someone I'd been meaning to.
The chemistry,
the feelings,
the dedication,
the romance.
It's all passionate,
Enlightening to say the least,
your fingertips on my backbone,
are what made me stand so tall,
when you left the next morning,
you told me you'd return again,
and that is when I knew,
that I want to invest,
my whole heart into you.

Here is to the months to come.

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New things. I could feel you coming.

Apr. 10th, 2012 | 01:10 am

I met you years ago,
on some forgotten summer day,
you were standing there,
taller than me,
with something,
you've been meaning to say,
I remember you,
looking at me,
in the same old way,
but I stepped on through,
passing you,
letting you get away.
I've found you though,
wrecking down the walls I've started to build,
telling me constructing a defense was useless,
and it was.
But really,
I never thought I'd feel this way,
I never craved it,
demanded it,
forced it,
or suffocated it into existence,
it just came to be,
you came to me,
and I won't let you to leave.

I'm turning into such a sap over you.
And it took less than three days.
Was I blind?
Could you be right?
I guess we'll see.

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March 30. - April 1.

Apr. 1st, 2012 | 11:27 pm

I went camping with some fantastic people this weekend.
Saturday felt like it lasted for ever.
But it was a good forever,
the kind you want to get stuck in.

I feel reborn.
Oh so sure.

A bit different than I felt before.
It feels good.
I feel anxious of the future.
But in a good way.

I suppose nothing but good vibes.
And I can't complain. Nor would I,
for this all feels so familiar.
What I experience is to be experienced.

Remember that.

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Mar. 30th, 2012 | 12:10 am

Things are rapidly changing,
fleeting from my grasp.
But somehow,
in the midst of it all,
I'm at ease with it.
I know it's the way it should be.
I have been prepared for all of this,
I am able to get through any hurdle,
I know it.

I've lost you,
just as I predicted,
something askew and misunderstood,
but then I read "Paths that cross will cross again."
And I felt that that was really true,
one day,
I'll see you.

I've gained insight to myself,
who I want to be,
and where I want to go.
There is this warmth inside of me,
that makes me feel safe,
to continue.
If that makes any sense.
I feel completely insane sometimes,
I've always been mad,
but it's almost unbelievable.

The dreams.
The things.
The thoughts,
maybe my brain just isn't the same,
or like anyone elses.
It's insanely sane.
And I am perfectly fucking okay with that.

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